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bach⋅e⋅lor [bach-uh-ler, bach-ler] Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. an unmarried man.
Again, pretty simple, right? As Lee Corso would say, "Not so fast there, Tonto!" While the definition may seem pretty basic, the fact is there are at least three, perhaps four different types of bachelors. I'll get to that in a minute, but first we have to deal with spotting and identifying a bachelor. Let's take a test. Can you spot the bachelor in the next two pics?
Give up? If you answered the one on the left, you are right! But if you answered the one of the left....you are right! Yes, shockingly (well, maybe not so shockingly for the one on the left) they are BOTH bachelors. You see, unlike most other scientific processes, we can't just identify a bachelor by looking at them. I mean, how many times have you looked at a man and thought, "That is perhaps the ugliest human being I have ever seen," only to watch him waddle up and plant a kiss on some fur-wearing, long legged hottie (think Billy Joel).
We can't just tell a bachelor from the rest of the population by physical observation like we can the various classifications of field mice, whales or other animals. No, in order to classify bachelors, we have to go a little deeper. We have to delve into the psyche of the bachelor, because, you see, THAT'S where the real differences lie.
First, let's get one thing straight before we move forward. And remember this, because this is vitally important: There is a difference between just being single, and being a bachelor. Got it? Good.
Being single is a state of being. Being a bachelor is a state of mind. Oh, and another thing. Bachelors are NOT women-hating, feminist bashing dullards. In fact, most bachelors I know love women. I have to bring this up because as I write this, I was doing a little digging and found another blog called, "Eternal Bachelor." Apparently the man writing that blog is a conservative, woman-hating misogynist who clearly believes women are simply pains in the asses who should be seen and not heard (and I assume, used only for sexual pleasure). I hope that clears up any confusion.
So, what are the different kinds of bachelors? Let's start with the basic three.
1. The playboy bachelor. This bachelor is single, generally attractive, confident and he knows it. He likes playing the field in the same way Darrel Strawberry liked snorting cocaine between innings. This brand of bachelor has no use for long term relationships, viewing them as mere distractions rather than something to be invested in. He is the confirmed bachelor that has no plans to end his free-swinging lifestyle anytime soon. This is the typical representation of bachelorhood you see in most hollywood movies and crappy sitcoms.
2. The hopeless bachelor. This man is, as his moniker notes, simply hopeless. This bachelor is a bit of a conundrum. He may be rich, he may be poor, ugly, attractive, fat, skinny, you just don't know. But the one thread that ties all of them together is their utter inability to deal with women, on any level. They sweat profusely when asking the secretary for a typed letter. They nearly pee themselves when attempting to chat up a woman at the bar, and don't even ask what happens if they actually ever go on a date. Fires start, buildings crumble, heads explode. It's not that these men don't want relationships, they just don't have a clue about how to get into one. The lack confidence and charm, but they make up for it by being inept and overly shy. This brand of bachelor is confirmed because at some point in their lives they just give up. They realize their shortcomings and end up diving right into World of Warcraft or Second Life and slowly wasting their lives away as they drink Big Gulps and dine on easy-mac. On a side note, these bachelors are often the "ugly duckling" types that often just need a little refinement and a nudge in the right direction...take note, women.
3. The Reluctant bachelor. This is the guy most often seen as the sidekick of the playboy bachelor in your favorite movies and tv shows. Like the hopeless bachelor, they come in all sizes and shapes, but they aren't quite so hopeless. They Have some confidence, but, like a ten year old with new bb gun, sometimes they shoot their eye out because they have no idea how to use such a powerful weapon. They have some charm, but tend to overuse it and come off as cheesy, or worse, smarmy. These are your most typical kind of bachelors. They have an idea, and they'd be in a relationship if they could ever figure out how to make on work, but somehow they always end up self-sabotaging the relationship and viola, they're single again. This bachelor is always looking for a relationship, but has essentially made up his mind that the goal of a long term, loving relationship with marriage and kids is just not in the works for him. In the meantime, he does realize the pros of being single, along with the cons and makes the best of it.
There is a fourth category out there, but, honestly, I have to do more research on the topic before I can really write about it. Apparently there is such a thing as the "bachelor girl." Now, I haven't heard of this phenomenon, but I suppose it could exist. I will do some reading on it and get back to you to let you know what I find.
I hope this has helped you learn to identify the bachelors in your life. Keep in mind, there will be some crossover here, and we're making some pretty sweeping, basic observations. And while I don't think there's such a thing as "Bachelor-dar" like there is "gay-dar" I DO think there are some telltale signs you can look for that will clue you in on whether that guy that works three cubicles down from you is a bachelor or not. This is obviously important to women because, well, let's face it, why waste your time on a guy that's already taken. For guys, this is less important. But guys, also know this. As you get older and remain a confirmed bachelor, you WILL start losing your bachelor friends, one by one. Then, one day, you'll find yourself at home on a Friday night really, REALLY looking forward to that "LOST" marathon, and then you'll suddenly get very sad. Being able to spot fellow bachelors will allow you to keep your social life active. It means having buddies you can go to games with, hit the bars with and someone who can act as your wingman when trying to separate the ugly chick from the hottie over a pitcher of beers.
We'll hit those telltale signs in the next entry. Until then. Stay single!
